Sunday Roast: Hey girl, I'm God's gift to women.. or not.

Sunday Roast: Hey girl, I’m God’s gift to women.. or not.

Dec 4, 2011 |  by  |  Art
About the author
Sabrina (who is old as fuck) has more energy than a Duracell bunny, and uses it to dance in the newest clubs, eat too much junk food, play all the videogames, examine apps and shop - even though she has more than enough clothes. Sorry Earth.

It’s Sunday and you’re hungover, angry at the world, at bartenders and most of all: yourself. No worries, we feel the same. That’s why we’ve invented Sunday Roast. A bi-weekly conversational ‘column’. A written one. Online. Every other Sunday, Mark and Sabrina vent about the horrible burdens and ungodly mishaps of their 21st century life. Usually reserved only for bars, we bring our problems right into your home. Sharing is sexy, and a problem shared is a problem halved.. You are cordially invited to our pity party.

Previous Sunday Roast here.

Dear Mark,

You know I’m with you on the slowing down of life. So much so, that I’ve decided to go back in time for a good portion. The last couple of weeks I’ve been watching reruns of the Mickey Mouse Club and Breaker High, which really takes me back. I’ve also watched some old movies like Murder By Numbers, The Notebook and Lars & The Real Girl. What do these things have in common you ask? Ryan Gosling.

He is the Justin Bieber for our generation. We’re not Beliebers, we are ‘begossled’. As you know, people always send me funny movies or pictures of cats since I’m ‘that girl’. But lately this has changed. Links to blogs that include Ryan Gosling, movie dates to see him in action, and just general chat about his awesomeness. For example, Ryan Gosling in an interview talking about an army of cats in Disneyland. I thought, this could very well be the love of my life. Talking about Disneyland AND cats?! Swoon. There is also a fabulous blog on this very subject, which made me so happy to be alive in this age. Or maybe this one? Wait, I’ve got one more.. my absolute favorite: Feminist Ryan Gosling.

I can totally picture myself laying in bed with him all day long, stroking his abs, laughing about Disneyland and cats, but that’s it

I’m getting Goslinged away. Because, while I absolutely love Ryan Gosling, I would never date him. After careful consideration and a good time fantasizing about this, I’m pretty sure Ryan Gosling is a bore in the sack. That’s right, I’ve said it. I believe Ryan Gosling is bad in bed. Just look at him, he’s like a sculpture, too fragile to really ‘roll around in the hay’ with. I can totally picture myself laying in bed with him all day long, stroking his abs, laughing about Disneyland and cats, but that’s it. If you make love with Gosling he’ll probably be all: “Hey girl, am I doing this right? Are you enjoying yourself? I mean, I could totally go down on you one more time if you want!” And while that last sentence may in fact sound good, I truly believe no girl wants a man to interrupt some passionate love-making for cunnilingus.

He’s currently dating Eva Mendes, what made me a lot more positive about his accomplishments in bed. Only to find out he surprised her in Paris. Are you kidding me, Gosling?! I pretty much died of romance. But look at Eva’s track record, the woman has dated Denzel Washington! Joaquin Phoenix! Those are some noble, passionate steeds! Besides, she has all that ‘latina blood’ running through her veins which romantic Ryan can’t handle. Ryan is the guy you can’t chase anymore because, within a week, he’s ‘all yours’. So romantic that you don’t feel you have to ‘hunt’ anymore. It makes him unattractive. He’s probably an amazing kisser, an even better boyfriend, he’ll be a wonderful husband and your best friend. But the one thing Ryan Gosling isn’t, is a fantastic lover. And it’s just so sad, don’t you think?



P.S. If you by any chance find Goslings phone number.. or even better, Ryan, if you are reading this and completely disagree and want to prove me wrong: I’m completely open for suggestions. Just email me at We’ll figure it out.

P.P.S. Hate-mail can also be sent to I’m just not too keen on death threats.

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